Bad Wine!
The Stranger, "Wine Not Wine" column, September 3, 2014
by Marc Papineau
What do you do when a bottle of wine is "bad"? Here's a scenario: A server comes up to me at a function and says that three of the last five bottles of wine they've poured are corked. What the fuck? I'm alarmed. I run over to check this out. None of the bottles are corked. I ask the server what brought this on. "I poured the wine for the guest, and she said, 'This wine is bad.'" Holy fuck, I just about shit my pants. I'm pissed at myself that these peeps working for me don't know what a corked wine smells like. I'm pissed at them because they've opened and poured three bottles of wine looking for one that wasn't "corked." And I'm pissed that this woman has just categorically turned down a wine as being "bad" when it wasn't... necessarily.
I'm sure there are those who will disagree, but: Truly "bad" wine is rare! We may not like a given wine, but seldom is a wine "undrinkable" because it is spoiled or faulty. With so much investment usually on the line to produce a product with as few surprises as possible - one that'll appeal to a broad spectrum of palates - much of what might be construed as questionable or faulty is removed from mass-market wines. I try to deal with these kinds of wines as little as possible.
But the wine industry is moving toward a less manipulated, less processed, more "authentic" style. With this, more drastic variations come to the fore: between bottles, between varietals, between appellations, etc. I fucking love this! We forget that wine is a living thing -that even when we've filtered and fined and used cultured yeasts, doing all we can do to minimize surprises, it is still something that has a life cycle, that will go from youth to maturity, and during that time go through fits and starts of dormancy and wakefulness.
But if a guest says to me, "This wine is bad," I don't argue with them. I get them another bottle - maybe something different, or, if the wine is bad, another bottle of the same. But it's also my job to let people know what they are getting into when they order a bottle of wine that is sailing the seas of "natural" or is somehow unusual. Example: "I know this bottle says 'Hermitage' on it and you're thinking big-ass Syrah... but this is from Dard & Ribo. Have you ever tried their wines? They're FUCKED UP, in the best way! It will not be at all what you might be expecting..." This isn't because I want to be a douche (and it is a delicate line between douche and not douche), but because I don't want to disappoint you, and I don't want to pour wine down the drain, which means drink it with staff later (okay, yes, I do want to do that).
There are three main things that can make a wine truly bad - and two are rather general, and a matter of expectation and perception.
Here we go:
Corked wine: This is a real fault in a wine, brought on most often by a natural cork infected with trichloroanisole or "TCA," also known as "cork taint." As one of my associates said, "I love the smell of corked wine! It reminds me of my grandmother's basement!" 'Nough said. If it's got grandma's mustiness, it's probably corked, and if it's corked, it will become more corked as it sits in contact with the air.
Brettanomyces: Also known as "bret," this is a yeast that principally lives in oak barrels, especially new and toasted ones. And yes, bret can be a real fault, but it can sometimes be considered an expression of the grape or place (terroir)&mdashpeople use words like barnyard, honey, lilac, smoke, spice, horsey, sweaty, cheesy, etc. to describe it. Are those things "bad"? Depends on expectation and perception.
Oxidation: This is the presence of oxygen in the wine-making and -aging process. In some wines, like sherry, oxidation is expected and is integral to the wine's character. In others, varying degrees of it are considered good, moving toward not good, and at a certain point render the wine unpalatable. How can you tell when a wine is oxidized? The appearance goes golden/orange moving toward brown; the scent goes toward toffee, almonds, orange peel, vanilla bean. Again, "bad" can very much be in the nose of the beholder.
Here's to good wine&mdashespecially the barnyard stuff and the sherry!
Drink the Fuck Out of Rosé!
The Stranger, "Wine Not Wine" column, August 13, 2014
by Marc Papineau
Remember how I wrote that column a while back about chilled reds, and how if you're butch, like me, you don't drink rosé before Bastille Day? Well, guess what? That was all bullshit! I was drinking rosé before July 14, and I'm not butch, and I hope none of you actually listened to me. It was just a lead-in to get you to consider drinking some light, chilled red wines! I hope you've been drinking the fuck out of rosé!
The rosé question I get most often is: "Is it sweet?" Whatwhat WHAT? Listen, just because it's pink doesn't mean it's sweet. All of the rosés pictured here are dry dry DRY!
Flavor profiles range from evisceratingly mouthwatering acidity, to velvet-melon-dances-across-your-tongue, to dancing-elf-pudding-coating-your-palate. The perception of rosé as a sweet wine is due mostly to the marketing genius of Portugal's Mateus in the '70s and '80s, and to the phenomenon of "white zin," which is still with us today!
As you can see in the photo, these bottles have different hues of pink. Some are almost clear, as in the Txakoli on the far left (a blend of Hondarribi Beltza and Hondarribi Zuria from the Spanish Basque country). Then some are so dark, they could arguably be a light red, as with the wine at the far right, made with the Gaglioppo grape from Calabria, Italy. What does the darker hue mean? It means longer time in contact with the skins. Most red grapes give you clear grape juice. It is the pigment in the skins that make the wines red&mdashor; rosé. For most red wines, this means a maceration time of several days to several weeks, depending upon the grape variety. In the case of rosé, it can be a matter of hours. Also, know this: The darker the rosé, the more "winelike" it becomes&mdashmeaning; that the skins are imparting flavor compounds into the wine, that your flavors are becoming a bit more fleshy! Meaning that those pale-pink, almost-melon-colored rosés are perfect for aperitifs or to be drunk on their own, while the darker rosés are also excellent to gulp down with some grilled fish or bouillabaisse. Debate it if necessary, but the bottom line: Drink that motherfucking rosé.
The wines pictured are Rezabal Txakoli 2013 (Hondarribi Beltza and Hondarribi Zuria, $20); Joseph Mellot, Les Milets, Reuilly 2013 (pinot noir, $21); Aubaï Mema, Casimir, Vin de France 2013 (Grenache, Carignan, $14); Armas de Guerra, Bierzo 2013 (Mencia, $14), Gilbert Cellars, Wahluke Slope 2013 (Mourvèdre, $16); and iGreco, Savù, Calabria 2012 (Gaglioppo, $19). They're available at many god-fearing Christian shops in the city, like Champion Wine Cellars, Pike and Western, DeLaurenti, Central Co-op, PCC, and Whole Foods.
White Wine Spritzers Blow Your Mind!
The Stranger, "Wine Not Wine" column, July 23, 2014
by Marc Papineau
I get a little embarrassed when I expose my soul in this column, as I did in my recent homage to Ales Kristancic and his winery, Movia. Maybe you thought: Who or what the fuck does this guy think he is, anyway? I don't have to, or want to, spend 40 to 60 bucks on a bottle of wine... I don't care if the winemaker is channeling the universe or whatever the fuck. Look, this column is called "Wine Not Wine" for a reason! Yes! I love that Movia shit! It really does move me... but I heard that some of you went into Pike and Western and were turned off by the expense... I understand, and I also STILL urge you to dig deep, blow a wad, pick some up, and blow your mind!
But this week's column is for you&mdashand; me, too. Let's just get back to simple and summer and 90 degrees, because as I write this, that is exactly the temperature outside and I don't have air conditioning and I've got my own native yeast fermentation going on here.
Question: What do all the wines in the picture above&mdashPratsch; grüner veltliner, Bandit pinot grigio, and Shenandoah Vineyards sauvignon blanc&mdashhave; in common? Answer(s): They're all under 10 dollars a bottle, or average that, when you take volume into consideration; they're available throughout the land, from grocery stores to gas stations (well, maybe not the grüner); they're all relatively high in acid and aromatics; AND they all lend themselves to one of the greatest drinks to ever come out of a backyard with an aboveground pool in Roselle Park, New Jersey. And if you've got a problem with me picking on Jersey, choose another hot, humid summertime place where people really know how to live. I'm from Jersey, motherfucker! My mother drank these and she still does and she's almost 80 years old!
Here's the recipe:
Roselle Park White Wine Spritzer
5 ounces white wine in a tall glass
1 ounce simple syrup (easy to make: one part sugar to one part water, heated until dissolved)
½ ounce lime juice
Ice to the top, finished with a splash of soda
Garnish with a lime wedge and Day-Glo straws; make sure for these ratios that you have at least a pint glass.
I just finished that one in the picture and I forgot there was wine in there! If you're drinking this in the sunshine, as you should be, just remember&mdashyes;!&mdashit;'s just wine after all, and you should enjoy it and you don't need to channel the universe through your fucking hands to do that. No!
Ales Kristancic, the Brilliant Maniac of Movia Wines
The Stranger, "Wine Not Wine" column - July 2, 2014
by Marc Papineau
I had dinner with Ales Kristancic last week. He was in town spreading the Movia word, as embodied by his callused paws. Movia is a winery that has been in his family since 1820, making wine in the Goriška Brda region of Slovenia. (If you are unfamiliar, this is a continuation of the Collio zone that straddles the border between Italy and Slovenia.) His wines are unfettered and untouched, 100 percent natural, and the magnum opus of them is called Lunar. It's made with a varietal - ribolla gialla - which he developed a special fermentation vessel that allows the grapes to ferment within their skins, unbroken, until such a time as they burst, the wine having vinified within each single berry. Kristancic is a force of nature who speaks passionately about what he does and what he believes in. What he does is make wine; what he believes in is a universal life force channeled through his land and vines into the bottle. And in this context, Ales Kristancic is a shaman, a witch doctor, a monk, and a pervert... nothing short of a sick-ass, brilliant maniac. He is brilliant because he has restraint. He has the intuition to leave his ego out of it and allow the wine to come into its own, on its own.
The impetus behind this column isn't necessarily to tell you what wine you should be drinking. It's called Wine Not Wine for a reason. What I want to share with you is more than that, because for me, wine is more than just a pleasurable beverage that you drink as you would drink anything, be it beer, booze, milk, or Kool-Aid. Wine is a vehicle to something else. And sometimes, in the right moment, under the right circumstances, it speaks to you and alters your perception of what exactly you are doing on this planet! (And not simply because you're drunk.) And more than this, more than any other agricultural or human-made product, wine is this unique intersection of the earth from which it comes and the coaxing human hand that urges it into bottle. That is what wine is. And the rough, broken, fat-fingered hand that speaks to this notion belongs to Ales Kristancic. So, yes, I urge you to find his wines and pick some up, because they are beyond wine and they will blow your fucking mind. AND! In the end, it is still wine, pure and simple. Yes, I sell Movia wines at Bar Ferd'nand... how could I not? And you can find them at Pike and Western, and Esquin, too.
Pet' Nat Is Wine Gone Wild
The Stranger, "Wine Not Wine" column, June 11, 2014
by Marc Papineau
Petillant naturel, méthode ancestrale -- wines that have just a bit of fuel left in the bottle after initial fermentation, which sparks a second fermentation, creating a spritzy, refreshing glass of what-the-fuck?! Is it still wine with a bit of fizz, or is it sparkling wine that is almost not? I know! Crazy! BUT! These are wines perfect for the summertime and a sure "in" for you at your next barbecue. Usually these wines are a variation on off-dryness, meaning some are sweeter than others. Pet' nat or méthode ancestrale wines have been made since time immemorial and are arguably the most natural wines you can drink&mdashthey involve truly allowing the wine to run wild and finish its business in the bottle, without any added sugars (because they've been bottled only partially fermented) and often with sediment left in the bottle, or maybe a bit cloudy... a sure sign that your wine has not had its legs shaved and that it stinks of patchouli. And almost every producer in this style is making wine already in a fashion that is hands-off and as natural as can be! And it works and makes sense and is your doorway into another world.
Patrick Bottex's Bugey-Cerdon la Cueille is a beautiful pale pink to purple color, jumping with prickle and a slight off-dryness. René and Agnès Mosse make a pet' nat called Moussamoussettes that is almost impossible to find but is worth the search, a veritable Holy Grail in this style of wine. Jean-Paul Brun's méthode ancestrale called FRV100 (cent is French for 100... so FRV100 equals "effervescent"... so cute!) is made from 100 percent gamay noir... incidentally, these are all rosés.
I don't know that we always appreciate this, but living in Seattle, or Portland, or San Francisco, we exist in these bubbles of overeducated, liberally political, enlightened love nests, which happens only in small, underground cells in much of the rest of this country, and WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WINE? Simply this: There is a plethora of bomb-ass shit at our disposal, in our shops and grocery stores, found in the hinterlands of these United States only in the basements of professors at small liberal arts schools, who will only pull them out for their cabals. (You know what I'm talking about!) You don't need to be a prof to be smart, walking through the door with a couple bottles of this shit in your hands...
It is your privilege, it is your duty as a citizen to seek these out. I'm here to help. To that end, you can find these wines and other wines in this style&mdashmost in the twentysomething range and every one of them worth your dollars&mdashat: Vif, Pike & Western, Whole Foods, PCC Natural Markets, and Madison Market.
Red Wine to Drink Cold (Yes!)
The Stranger, "Wine Not Wine" column, May 21, 2014
by Marc Papineau
Today, it is in the 70s. It's sunny and warm and promises only to be warmer as the week progresses. And my mind is already numbed by the plethora of white wine that I drink, and I won't drink rosé yet because I'm super butch, and butch people don't drink rosé until after Bastille Day, July 14. This is true. This is totally true! Inquire at the French consulate if you don't believe me. And my thirst moves in a direction where I want cool, but I want substance. I want something to eat hot dogs with; to throw down with a bunch of cured, smoked, or grilled fish; or maybe nothing but to enjoy by itself. And my attention turns to those translucent, ruby-colored red wines that one sees on the shelves now and then in the red wine section. What is that? It's lightly pressed, maybe, or it might be the property of the grape, thin-skinned without a lot of pigment to give off. Gamay Noir, Pineau d'Aunis, Brachetto... these come to mind, and they all lend themselves to a chill.
Some, like Chateau d'Arlay's Corail, from the Côtes du Jura, are these rare and amazing anomalies that are field blends of both red and white grapes, throwbacks to a time when wine was made by blending everything together: white and red grapes, lightly pressing and calling it a day. That would be back in the time of Antiquity! They call these wines "antique wines, vins de l'antiquité." Yes! Super-light, super-perfumed, fucking gorgeous, and chilled. There is nothing wrong with doing this... it's okay! Pascal Janvier makes a one hundred percent Pineau d'Aunis, from deep in the Loire Valley at one of its northern extremes, in a small appellation called Jasnières, which is better known for its chenin blanc, which he also makes and is also BOMB. You could say objectively that the wine smells like fresh-ground black pepper. It's savory, it's light, and it will cause you to lie down and contemplate the lameness of your life up to this point... don't regret! Just enjoy, now that it's here.
These wines can be found in the city, mostly under $20, with the exception of the Château d'Arlay, which sells in the $25 range... but that's because it is a wine ofAntiquity! You gotta pay for that shit, son! And it's worth it. Places to look: Pike and Western Wine Shop, Esquin Wine Merchants, Whole Foods Interbay, Bar Ferd'nand. And here, you will find a guide to your ideal serving temperatures for wine. You're welcome!
55 degrees: ideal storing temperature (cellar)
35 degrees: the average temperature of a refrigerator
64–68 degrees: Ports and darker sweet wines of that ilk
59–64 degrees: full-bodied red wines (Bordeaux blends, Syrah, etc.)
55–60 degrees: light-to-medium-bodied red wines (pinot noir, some nebbiolo)
50–55 degrees: lighter-bodied red wines like Beaujolais (Gamay Noir, Pineau d'Aunis); oaked, richer, and oxidized whites (chardonnay, chenin blanc, some of the northern Italian and Slovenian whites -- ribolla gialla, pinot grigio)
45–50 degrees: lighter, aromatic white wines (pinot gris, sauvignon blanc, Riesling, sparkling wines)
43–47 degrees: sweet white wines (Sauternes, Muscat, Riesling)